Shifting Your Relationship with Fear

Sasha: 0:00

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Linda: 4:11

Thanks for having me. I'm really excited to have this conversation.

Sasha: 4:14

I am too. We talked a little bit right before we started recording about my beliefs on mindset and how I'm not much into only this idea that mindset is kind of all that you need. I think a lot of people throw out the kind of term mindset and think that that's like a cure all. Like once you get your mind right, you can just do everything and I don't 100% believe that. So I guess I'll kind of start with maybe that's a limiting belief of mine. So what do you think are some limiting beliefs that you think people have when it comes to their businesses that could be stopping their growth?

Linda: 4:51

Oh, we have so many of them. I think you know, anything from a fear of failure, right? Fear of failure is one of the biggest ones to thinking that there is one thing that's going to get us to the next level, like, I don't ascribe, as you said to this idea that it's only mindset. The truth is, is that if you sat there and thought really positive things, it's not going to happen without action. So we have to start to uncover these limiting beliefs from "I'm stupid"," I'm not capable", "I'm not enough" is a huge one for particularly creatives and a lot of business owners that I work with. And it is this piece that we have to work through so that the strategies we implement, can actually work. So that we don't hold progress. So that we show up and are visible, I think a lot of our limiting beliefs start with visibility. And if you can't be seen, you can't be found. And that can be really hard for any business owner.

Sasha: 5:53

I see that a lot with a lot of the Facebook groups that I'm in and some of the women that I talked to, it is scary for them to show up. And a lot of is based on this fear of failure, or feel the fear that they are not enough. And I've talked a little bit kind of about impostor syndrome before. And I like how you say we kind of have to make peace with that. So what are some suggestions you have for kind of dealing with impostor syndrome? We've all been there. I think no one has ever done anything without feeling like, maybe I'm not supposed to be the same room with these people. I don't know enough. Is this the right path for me? So how do we? How do we reconcile that within ourselves and understand that that voice is there, but not let it kind of control the things that we do?

Linda: 6:40

Let me start out with fear first, because it's a little bit easier. Imposter complex is, and I call it complex, because technically, there is no syndrome around it. But I call it the complex because it's usually when we're up leveling, or we're into some new area, or we're taking on a So one of the things we just have to recognize is that I much bigger client or we've increased our pricing. That's kind of where I started to see imposter complex. Fear is one of those things that I think we face, from the beginning to you know, a lot of even six figure business owners trying to leap to seven figures. There's this fear that keeps carrying around with yourself that like it shifts. So here's what I say about fear. First of all, fear is this great thing that we actually need to become friends with. We think that fear is bad. I mean, I can't tell you how many people have come to me and said, "Can you please get rid of my fear?" And I said, "No, I can't". It's going to be there. Because we're hardwired for it. We haven't changed a ton since caveman times. When you were really looking for the Saber Toothed Tiger, only the Saber Toothed Tiger is everybody on social media, the trolls, the people who you know, we think are going to judge us the people we compare ourselves to. always like to think of fear as this really misguided power that we've got hanging out. Like it's this friend, that's like looking out for our best interests, like don't go out there, because you're going to fall flat on your face. Don't go out there because people will judge you. But this fear can't tell you anything about what's going to happen. What fear does is it digs through the past. And it's going see, okay, there was this example and this example, and this example, remember those things, we're not experiencing that again. And all of that lives in your subconscious brain. So even if you consciously say, Hey, I'm going to be visible this year, like we're recording this right on the cusp of 2023. 2023 is my year to be visible. The first thing fear is going to be is like not hanging out back. And the reason is, is is that you're hardwired, your subconscious, not your conscious brain, which is actually only in charge of 10% of your choices. Your subconscious brain, which is in charge of the rest is saying, nah, we were hurt before we're not going to do that. And the problem with fear is, is that it sounds convincing. It sounds like it knows exactly what's going to happen. So what I always say is, is start to really look at fear and go, you don't have a crystal ball to your future. The crystal ball is actually the choices you make today. So if you make a choice to be visible, and let's say it goes badly, it's up to you to learn the lessons. It's up to you to tell the little kid inside I got this.

Sasha: 9:23

I really liked thatbecause I think that's definitely a different way of thinking about it. People do think that fear is something that you know, can hold them back. It's something to get rid of, like you mentioned, but I know I mean outside of business there are lots of things that people do that they are scared to do, and then afterwards when they've done it and they're like "Oh, I'm so happy I did it. Like I didn't need to be that worried about it. Like it turned out so well."

Linda: 9:52

I didn't die.

Sasha: 9:53

I didn't die. Like I mean you think back to when we were kids and this is the most basic example I can think of. I used love going to amusement parks. And I was always really scared to ride roller coasters. I liked the idea of riding roller coasters. And I wanted to be a big kid who was able to ride said roller coasters. But going to the top, really freaked me out and even more so on top of that, kind of sitting in the front seat and like seeing at the top and then having to go down. And I really had to work myself up. Like I had to get the courage like no, you can do this the entire time. I remember the first time I did it the entire time I'm like breathing and trying to like calm myself down. But then afterwards, I had a lot of fun. I really found out that I enjoy roller coasters. And so I think like fear is kind of like that. Like when we if we talk ourselves out of things, we can make things a lot scarier than they are. We're going to create scenarios in our head that might not necessarily be accurate. That might never happen, unless we actually do it. And then we can kind of put that as an a little example for the next time that fear starts showing up. That hey, like remember this good thing happened the last time we tried something new.

Linda: 11:08

There's a couple of things you said that are really like, it's the roller coaster is a great symbol about this because I think fear is one of those things that it isn't looking for the successes we have. Like we've had plenty of successes, we've mastered hard things, we've survived every single one of our past challenges. We're here today. And the thing is fear is always looking for nana, this is gonna go bad. However, the way we approach fear also makes us a little more reticent to to face something harder. Here's what I mean by that. We think it has to be this huge thing that we have to go and white knuckle our way through. I'm really big about not white knuckling. I'm really big about turning toward fear instead of being like, just do it. I don't believe in the Nike JUST DO IT thing. I believe that like you've got to actually create a hierarchy. And this is why I like your roller coaster, because it's almost as if it's going up. And there is almost this hierarchy of fears that we can address. Look, if visibility in front of room and on stage is your biggest thing. We're not doing that. But no, like a social media post cool. Like, you know, this is a great place to test out. The way I sort of look at this too is is I want people think about adding experimentation to it. I'm sure as you're going out and riding roller coasters you try and different things out what can actually work. But we need to play a little bit more. And fear tells us that we need to like get married to every single business idea that we put out there, every marketing strategy. No, no this one's going to have to be the the one I go with. But if we actually adopt to this attitude of experimentation and learning, fear then has an opportunity to go okay, I learned that I categorize this, I did this well, this is what I can do next time. So that we're not always coming up against this absolute. Another piece of that is is what's cool is it teaches you to separate the fact from fiction. And so with fear. I mean, we got stories, we all have stories, I don't care, how old you are, I got stories, you know, I've worked from 20 year olds to sixty year olds and 20 year olds have some pretty good stories too. Like, if you can start to go, just because it happened yesterday, doesn't mean it's going to happen today, you have a whole world that starts to open up to you. And fear doesn't have to be the leader of your business.

Sasha: 13:40

I like that. I like that you said it doesn't have to be the leader of our business, because it's the I just is so unfortunately, I just see so many women that that's what holds them back that they are they are scared that they're not going to do something right that they're going to fail, things aren't going to work out for them. They've tried so many other things and nothing seems to work for them. And it can really be discouraging to kind of try to operate a business when you are worried about so many things and you're letting that kind of stuff stand in your way. So I wanted to kind of circle back to this imposter complex as you call it. I do think like you said it, it shows up a lot when we feel like we are spaces where we're trying to be in spaces we're not meant for we don't think we're meant to be in when you're leveling up when you're charging pricing. I see it a lot with a lot of my clients who are just starting in business, especially surrounding their pricing. Like how could I ever charge 1000s of dollars for something when I don't know if I'm really worth that much or you know, that doesn't seem like I should. How do I know that giving enough or I have enough experience for that? So how do we kind of change our thought process around that and kind of work through that even though we feel like we might not. We're not supposed to be somewhere that that's not necessarily true.

Linda: 15:10

Yeah, I think there's a couple of aspects of imposter complex. And I see it tons around pricing, right? I'm not an expert yet. I can't do that yet. Or, you know, they'll get on a call and they'll discount last second, right? Are we worried about other people? Can they afford us and I really worth all of that. A bunch of head trash around that.

Sasha: 15:27

I love that term by the way - head trash.

Linda: 15:30

That's all it is, right? It's like, let's throw it out. Like, let's clean it out. But I think here's the imposter complex thing. Like fear, I think it is something that we're never going to get rid of. This term has been around since 1978, discovered by two women, and it was actually applicable to a study of women. And it turned out they were these really accomplished women who had all of these degrees, all these accomplishments articles, and they still thought that they were a fraud. They still couldn't own, that they were this amazing thing. And the studies show that it's anywhere between 70% and 80% 80, something percent, I think it's like close to 100% when I've dealt with people, there are very few people I know who don't face this. So the recognition, I often say is is like this is just a simple tip, all you have to do is be two steps ahead of the person you're serving. You do not need to be Amy Porterfield in the world of like marketing, and whatever it is, you don't need to know absolutely everything. You can look up the ladder and say that's where I want to ultimately have my business. However, your only requirement is to be two to three steps ahead. I promise, the person who is receiving your services is going to be really, really happy. And I think one of the things that we have to recognize and I go anybody who has kids might like this, but life begins outside of the reef. If you have watched Finding Nemo, who really liked do we want to be Marlon, or do we want to be Nemo? And the truth is, is that we think there are sharks that are going to eat us. But when it comes to imposter complex, I really do encourage this concept around separating fact from fiction. Yes, you may not be where you want yet. And if you are still, if you have a process, if you have something of value that you're giving, there is not anything you need to prove this is your head trash leading the way. Again, recognizing that it is something that is signifying that we're up leveling. That means we're growing, that means we're expanding, these are cool things, if we can actually take that attitude. One of the things that imposter complex can help us with is saying, Okay, I'm going to expand and again, create a hierarchy of expansion. Do not go for like the biggest rung first, this is going to send you back down and really start to think of it what is it that I want to achieve, we don't set these goals with the absolute clarity that we need. And those are the kinds of things that are going to give us the confidence. And I suppose that's this last piece that I did want to say is, it's be, do, have. It is not do, have, be. We live our lives that way. You cannot do the thing to have the thing so you can become confident enough to show your face. You actually have to embody confidence. Think about it. Think of a time that you were confident. Feel it. Show up that way every single day. And it's a little of a fake it till you make a thing but do the things that confident people do. They show up. Even if they don't feel like they're quite ready.

Sasha: 18:41

I think that is I love that you said be, do, have right?

Linda: 18:45

Yeah.

Sasha: 18:46

Okay, I want to make sure I had the order. Right. I really liked that. Because I do think that people, I've seen it a lot to where if you Oh, if I just get to this next level, if I'm able to do this, then it'll you know, boost my confidence, I feel better, you know, then this is where I'm supposed to be that type of stuff. But really, we need to put on a good face, essentially. And I don't really subscribe, like you said, all the way to fake it till you make it. I do think that there's no limit to that. You don't need to to fake your way into rooms that are five levels ahead of you, when you like you said it should just be two. But to think that, you know, to just speak confidence into yourself. And that in and of itself, I think does do a lot to help kind of combat imposter complex or impostor syndrome, whatever you call it. Because when we do speak to ourselves in a way kind of where we're uplifting ourselves, where we are just giving ourselves that confidence and it gives us the ability to kind of show up differently in places and I think that has a big thing. I also do appreciate too that you mentioned kind of that like stair stepping because I do think that when we try to uplevel or when we're trying to do something different, we often think of, I need to be five steps ahead like this is where I need to be that that makes the most sense. And that's what creates that fear and that imposter complex that we might not be ready for all that because it seems like such a big jump from where we are currently. That it's hard to kind of wrap our thinking around, how do we even get there. Whereas if you phrase it in a way, or think about it, like how you mentioned just two or three steps ahead, like that's not that big. That's not that hard to think about what you have to know or kind of showcase your expertise or your pricing or things like that, if you're just thinking two or three steps versus that big step. So for anyone who's listening, especially when we talk about pricing, if you want

Linda: 20:48

Yeah, and I think that's really an important thing to to increase your pricing, and you're like, let's go like I want to make like, you know, I want to charge $1,200 for something, and right now you're charging $200. That doesn't mean you have to go right to $1,200, right, like that's like, let's go to like $500 first, and then get comfortable, see how that feels, and then like make the incremental jump. So I liked remember. I sort of like to tell the story of what I didn't say that you kind of put it that way. in my bio is I was a trial attorney for 17 years. And I used to have to take beta blockers when I first started. That's not good for a trial lawyer. I was scared to speak. But it really started to be really I had to put confident speaker first, so that I could actually show up and had to take myself out of the equation. Too much of our business has our head trash leading the way, leading the equation. And what happened was, is ultimately, you know, I traveled around the country and got yelled at by every judge, and you could yell at me all you want, and I was fine. And now I get paid to speak. And I want people to recognize that didn't happen overnight. But it set little goals. But it all began with this belief. And it began with this idea of who do I need to be? So as you're sitting there, like with pricing, think about it, who do I need to be, you know, whether it's confident, whether it's worthy, whether it's valued, whatever it is, because inevitably, when you do not price yourself outright, or whenever you don't show up in your business or you're over giving you are going to resent it.

Sasha: 22:27

Yes.

Linda: 22:30

Even if you did it, yes.

Sasha: 22:32

I mean, that's I think that's, that's the key to when it comes to anything like that is you will start to, if you let that fear about succeeding or doing something different than what you are doing now, if you let that kind of control your actions, I think you do end up resenting the choices that you didn't take or you know, the things that you didn't do, the opportunities that you missed out on and things like that, because you're operating from a place of fear versus trying to operate from a place of okay, yes, this may scare me a little bit. But I'm gonna try it anyway. And whatever happens happens, like I might bomb it. And like you said at the beginning, maybe I'll learn something from it. And I'll be able to kind of apply that next time. Or I might knock it out the park. And then it's a good thing that I said yes to that. So I really think that, yeah, we just need to come from try to I like what you read that you call it head trash, just throw all of away.

Linda: 23:36

A really great tool that I think people can think about because you just reminded me as you were talking, we go through the what ifs? Why don't we switch it to what happens when? What happens when I knock it out of the park? What happens when I actually attract the people I want to work with? What a different mindset to come from, than the what if I bomb. What if I fail? What if I am not enough? What if, what if? It is such a different mindset.

Sasha: 24:02

It is energy, that that one little shift in phrasing can really change the way that you think about approaching things because you're operating from a thought process of I'm going to succeed in some sort of way. And you know that there's going to be a beneficial outcome to this versus what if something bad happens? It's like, okay, I'm already, I'm already claiming that something good is going to happen, you know, so what what happens, you know, when that happens, what am I going to do type of thing. So I really liked that shift and in kind of the way that we think.

Linda: 24:40

yeah,

Sasha: 24:41

I want to thank you so much for being on the show because I think it's just been such a it's a really good conversation. I told you the beginning. I'm really not into mindset, but I really liked the way that you talk about it and you kind of break it down in a way that really kind of gets to the sometimes our inner work things of how we think about things and how we approach things in life and in business. And so I appreciate how you approach fear in business, and, and not, not the, what I think is too much of the oversimplification of how people approach mindset nowadays. So I really appreciate you being on the show.

Linda: 25:21

Yeah, thank you. And I really, that's why I said at the beginning, I'm like, I'm gonna have I'm not really into mindset. But the truth is, is that this is really practical stuff. And your strategies to work. We want everything Sasha teachers to like work. And so it happens when you marry the two together.

Sasha: 25:40

Yes. And so I appreciate you being on the show. Linda. Linda works with her clients, she does private coaching, she has group courses and workshops, I'm going to drop a link in the show notes to her "10 Day Confidence Reboot". So you guys can - it's a self connection through guided prompts and lessons to help you unlock that greater confidence kind of what she was talking about. So I'm going to drop that in the show notes. But, Linda, thank you so much for being on the show.

Linda: 26:07

Thank you for having me.

Sasha: 26:10

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